I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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