i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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