I cannot find my penis.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
