I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
