remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
