It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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