I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
