They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
