I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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