I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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