Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
