Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
