I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
