Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
