if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
