I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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