Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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