don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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