You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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