I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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