grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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