I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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