I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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