I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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