Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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