Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
