as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
