This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
