He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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