I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
