I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
