Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize