need another drink. this is the easiest way
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
