i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
