The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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