No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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