Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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