i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
