I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
