I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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