he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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