im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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