How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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