I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
