How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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