worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
