dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
