M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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