I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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