Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
