how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
