Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we're so committed to being not committed
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
