Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
