I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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