All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
