if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
