The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
