Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
