I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize