don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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